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Musical Terms Commonly Misunderstood by Country & Western Musicians

12 Tone Scale The thing the Police weigh the percussionist's truck with
A 440 The highway that runs around Nashville
Aeolian Mode How you like Mama's cherry pie
Altos Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes"
Arpeggio "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"
Bach Chorale The place behind the barn where you keep the horses
Bass The things you run around in softball
Bassoon Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when
Big Band When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players
Bossa Nova The car your supervisor drives
Cadenza That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes
Cello The proper way to answer the phone
Clarinet Name for your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo
Clef What you try never to fall off of
Bass Clef Where you wind up if you do fall off
Conductor The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham
Cut Time Parole
Cymbal What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to aim at with your rifle
Diminished Fifth An empty bottle of Jack Daniels
First Inversion Grandpa's battle group at Normandy
French Horn Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4a.m.
Major Scale What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn! That was a major scale!"
Melodic Minor Loretta Lynn's singing dad
Minor Third Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling
Order of Sharps What a wimp gets at the bar
Passing Tone Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues
Perfect Fifth A full bottle of Jack Daniels
Perfect Pitch The smooth coating on a freshly paved road
Pianissimo "Refill this beer bottle"
Portamento A foreign country you've always wanted to see
Quarter Tone What most standard pickup trucks can tow
Relative Major An uncle in the Marine Corps
Relative Minor A girlfriend
Repeat What you do until they just expel you
Ritard There's one in every family
Sonata What you get from a bad cold or hay fever
Staccato How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home
Tempo Good choice for a second hand car
Time Signature What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in
Transpositions Men who wear dresses
Treble Women ain't nothin' but
Tuba A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"
Whole Note What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year